Three is a Crowd

            Boston’s sports franchises have taken several punches to the gut in 2012. Between the Superbowl loss, Joel Ward’s goal, and the Kevin Youkilis trade, Boston fans are still trying to catch their collective breath. Now the all time leader in three point shots delivered another brutal body blow to Boston.

            Ray Allen will end the “Big Three” era in Boston for the NBA mid-level exception.  Allen looks to join the Miami Heat in pursuit of their second straight title.

            In 2007, Celtics GM Danny Ainge got Allen from the SuperSconics for next to nothing. That same offseason, Ainge traded away most of his roster to get Kevin Garnett, and the “Big Three” was born. Pierce, Garnett, and Allen went on to beat the L.A. Lakers and give three seasoned veterans the title they all wanted.

            Flash forward four years and the shine of the 2008 Larry O’Brien trophy has dulled. Despite the winning 322 games in five years, the “Big Three” never produced a second title. This past postseason, they ended up on the wrong end of a classic game seven.

The “Big Three’s” legacy aside the worst part about Allen leaving is that Boston should have seen it coming.

Jason Terry’s commitment should have had Celtics fans bracing for Allen’s departure. The former sixth man of the year’s signing acted as a neon sign that read “Ray Allen is not coming back to Boston.”  Still, fans' anger towards Allen is because of where he is going rather than the fact he is leaving.

The Heat are not only the bane of most fans’ existence, they also knocked the Celtics out of the playoffs this past year. Allen taking his talents to Miami is not Johnny Damon leaving for the Yankees, yet the move hurts.

If there is any solace for the Celtics faithful, it is that they can still contend without Allen.

From a basketball standpoint, the Celtics did not get worse with Allen leaving. Terry and Allen essentially play the same role of sharp shooting sixth man. Both men are deadeye three point shooters. Terry also averaged 15.1 points per game compared to Allen’s 14.2 last year.

 Terry is able to create his own shot better than Allen at this point. If Ray-Ray is not getting open via screens or shooting in transition he doesn’t score. In contrast, Terry is capable of getting to the basket far better than Allen today.

            There are no words to suppress the anger of Boston fans. Assurances of Terry’s capabilities will be drowned out by the heckling of one of the league’s classiest players. Today Allen is the bane of Boston’s existence, and Boston fans are still reeling from the body blow. 

Our Founding Frankfurters

           

           Apparently it is Fourth of July tradition to watch men and women devour Hot Dogs at disgusting rates.

            For the ninth straight year, the Nathan’s Hotdog Eating Contest is being shoved down our throats by ESPN. Yet for some reason audiences keep tuning in.

            Last year Coney Island had 40,000 spectators watch professional eaters stuff their faces. An additional 1.9 million people watched the contest live on the worldwide leader’s network. Champion face stuffer Joey Chestnut has over 5,000 people who like him on Facebook.

            The event’s appeal is inconceivable. Even the protocol for the contest are just crazy.

            In standard competition procedure, contestants are weighed-in by the Mayor of New York City. When Independence Day comes, the participants arrive in the "bus of champions.” Still, the bus is just the start of this deranged contest.

The most nonsensical aspect of this charade is the prize money. Contest winners are paid $10,000. Whoever eats the second most hot dogs gets $5,000. Also, third place gets $2,500 for engulfing dead pig.

Somehow, this event is taken seriously by television networks. Since 2004, the contest has featured a play-by-play announcer. In 2010, the contest coverage featured sideline reporters. I am not making this up. Reporting recourses are being spent on watching people eat hotdogs for 15 minutes.

If you think that’s nuts, the history of the “sport” is even more ludicrous.

            The organizers of televised gluttony made up the event’s history. According to legend, four immigrants had the first hot dog eating contest in 1916 to determine who was the most patriotic. However, that claim is false because Nathan’s hot dogs were not invented until 1921.

Also, Edward Bernays admitted to the New York Times that legend was fabricated by the event organizers. The actual first contest was held on Coney Island in 1972.

Even since that fateful day, people have flocked to Coney Island and tuned in to watch people eat hotdogs.

Since the event was first carried live in 2004, the number of viewers went from 926,000 to almost two million in nine years. There have been seven documentaries made about the Nathan’s Hotdog Eating Contest since 1996.

There is no rational explanation for the event’s success. Perhaps it is because 26 out of the 40 winners were from the United States. It could be the nostalgic appeal of older people having eating contests in their younger days. Maybe the appeal lies in the shock of seeing a person eat 68 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

Whatever the appeal is, it is unclear if our founding fathers would have understood it. No matter how patriotic this exasperated display of gluttony claims to be, the post-viewing indigestion just isn’t worth it.

Gray Clouds Overhead

            

            A commentator born in Glasgow Scotland has shown a fabulous mastery of the English language.

            Andy Gray has been omnipresent in the Premier League since its birth in 1992. He has been the voice of soccer for this generation. Yet thanks to some unflattering off the pitch comments, Gray’s voice could be forever muted.

            The former face of Sky Sports was fired in January for sexist comments made towards colleague Charlotte Jackson. There is a possibility that the Euro 2012 final could be the last we ever hear of Gray.

The announcer’s story began on the pitch. Gray first broke into soccer in 1975 with Dundee United. The striker managed to put up 178 career goals and held a spot on Scotland’s national team from 1975-1985. Gray retired from the game in 1990, and became Sky Sports’ most notable announcer just two years later.

Soccer and Gray have gone together like tea and crumpets. Gray’s voice was a staple for soccer’s premiere video game franchise for over 15 years. The announcer has been a member of ESPN’s soccer coverage since 2008. All the while, Gray has earned around $2.7 million in his career.

Gray built his career on his strong opinions. The announcer called out Portugal forward Cristiano Ronaldo for flopping on the pitch in the 2008 World Cup. Even though his words were harsh, Gray’s criticism held merit.

However, Gray’s illustrious career will flame out in controversy. Earlier in January, Gray suggested that lineswoman Sian Massey did not know the offside rule. In addition to those comments, Gray’s remarks towards Jackson were undoubtedly unacceptable.

Even if Gray’s comments were “lighthearted quips” on-air personalities are held to a higher standard. Announcers and pundits can critique players, decisions, and off air laundry. Still, when it comes to issues of sex, religion, or race, those jokes are on-air taboos.

Even after being fired from Sky Sports, expect Gray to be back with a different network. If Don Imus is still on the air after what he said about Rutgers Women basketball players, then Gray should be able to announce again. It will take some time for the incident to blow over, yet that is fine. The Olympics don’t start until July 25 anyway.

After playing football for 25 years, Gray has given two decades more to announcing the game. His style and knowledge of the game have been applauded for 20 years. However, because of the controversy the voice of soccer may not be able to graciously take a bow.

Boxing Day

          Mike Tyson’s life can best be summed up as an enigma wrapped in a conundrum aboard a crazy train. And it only costs $75 to see him talk about it from the cheap seats.

            Tyson looks to show the world “The Undisputed Truth.” A 90 minute one man show starring Kid Dynamite is coming to Broadway on July 31. The play itself consists of Tyson talking about his life, and rollercoaster moments.

The Baddest Man on the Planet talked about his upcoming play on Pardon the Interruption. During the interview, Tyson’s quips were spontaneous. His answers were candid. And his audience ate it up like someone’s first meal after fasting.

Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon watched with glee as Tyson told a hilarious tale of his ex-wife, Brad Pitt, and a wet noodle. That story is one of several anecdotes that make up the 1,000,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that is Mike Tyson.

Tyson’s life can be summed up by one memorable, yet bizarre quote. In a post fight interview in 2000, Tyson said “My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious, I want his heart, I want to eat his children, praise be to Allah!” Tyson was both dominant and uncontrolled in the ring. His legend and infamy are why his life story will be a hit.

The curtain would rise and the play would start with Tyson’s childhood. His early years were tales straight out of poverty documentaries. Tyson was arrested 38 times by the time he was 13. Iron Mike’s mother died when he was 16 and his father was never in the picture. He met Muhammad Ali in juvenile detention in 1976.

The second act could start with Iron Mike’s professional debut at 18. He enjoyed dominance in the ring and dreaded controversy outside of it. While Tyson won 26 of his first 28 fights by knockout, he later became a convicted rapist at 26.

After being sentenced in 1992, the Baddest Man on the Planet began to lose; in and out of the ring. Evander Hollyfield beat him twice in 1996 and 1997. In 1999, Tyson went back to prison for assaulting two motorists. In 2003, Tyson filed for bankruptcy and retired in 2005.

            The curtain would fall on his boxing career and fast forward to 2009. Director Todd Phillips resurrected Tyson and made him a movie star at 43. Knocking out Zack Galifanakis would be the start of act four, the rebirth. The new de-clawed Tyson has been saved by Hollywood; and will now take to Broadway to relive his cryptic past.

            Tyson is a walking paradox. He is a man who is as hated as he is adored. The former boxer lost everything only to realize that his story is his salvation. For the aforementioned reason, Spike Lee is taking this prize play to the big stage.

           Now Iron Mike has a chance to be the king of a different ring. Tyson can now break a leg, as opposed to someone’s ear. 

To Hot to Handel

           To this point, the average yearly temperature in Oklahoma City was 72 degrees. Tonight, Oklahoma City learned that heat can cause a natural disaster.

            It took LeBron James and Dwyane Wade five games to quell the Thunder and win a title. The Heat scored 93 points by the third quarter, and had crushed the Thunder’s spirit by halftime.

            The Heat’s monsoon of three pointers dampened the Thunder’s sprit. Every one of Miami’s 14 three pointers appeared to be unguarded; and the result of excellent ball movement.

            During one sequence in the second quarter, James drove straight to the basket. When the Thunder collapsed in on him, LeBron kicked it out to a wide open Mike Miller. A quick flick of the wrist later, Miller had knocked down one of his seven threes.   

In addition to Miller, the home team’s bench made sure to show up for the closeout game. Miller’s back problems didn’t stop him from scoring 23 points on eight shots. Shane Battier constantly threw his body between the Thunder and the basket. Even 23 year old Norris Cole was sure to hit his open three pointers.

            Still, the Heat’s championship run began and ended with James. When his team was pronounced dead against the Indiana Pacers, James scored 40 points to respond. Facing elimination in game six against the Boston Celtics, he put up 45 points. In the game that gave King James his first crown, LeBron put up a triple double.

            It is now safe to say Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert did not fulfill his guarantee.

            Though the media will focus on James’ win, other Heat players won their first title too. Juwan Howard, Battier, Miller, Bosh, Cole, Mario Chalmers, are the others who are no longer title virgins.

            Perhaps it was the inexperience of the Thunder that came back to haunt them. The Thunder played their worst when the circumstances demanded their best.

Other than Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, the Thunder failed from top to bottom.

In tonight’s game, Thunder starters not named Durant and Westbrook combined for 11 points. The presumed X-factor of the series, James Harden, averaged a measly 11.4 points per game in the Finals. Head coach Scott Brooks continued to leave the struggling Harden on LeBron James defensively throughout the series; even when it was clear the sixth man of the year was overmatched by the league MVP.

James Wade and Bosh got what they came for in a dominant fashion. Bosh and James out-rebounded the Thunder’s front line 18-8 in the last game this year. James and Wade combined for more assists (16) than Durant, Westbrook, and Harden combined. Also, Miami’s core three matched the 70 points the Thunder’s core put up.

            The Heat made a lot of enemies last year when they threw a championship parade without playing a game This time, James Wade and Bosh get a real one. 

           

 

   

           

            

Perfection's Unwritten Chapters

            Even though Philip Humber and Matt Cain missed being a part of James Buckley Junior’s book by one year, their perfect games will be remembered for different reasons.

            In Humber’s case, his no-hit, no-run, no-man-reaching-first game is an indirect tribute to a family friend.

            As spring turned to summer in 1994, pitcher Robert Ellis took Humber to visit the Chicago White Sox at spring training. Ellis was trying to make the team, and Humber got the kind of access every kid in Carthage Texas could have dreamed of.  

            Although Ellis never wore Chicago’s black pinstripes himself, his friend had some extra motivation to step into the batting cage in his back yard.

Eighteen years, three teams, and 29 starts later Humber pitched his way into baseball lore, and the hearts of Southsiders.

On April 21, 2012 Humber sent all 27 Seattle Mariners that he faced back to the dugout. Humber struck out nine, induced five groundouts and 13 flyouts.

In addition to being the 21^st pitcher in MLB history to throw a perfect game (and the third White Sox pitcher to do so), Humber was the first pitcher to throw a perfect game against a team that threw a combined no-hitter earlier that year: ever.

            That Kirk gem will be what separates Humber’s game from the perfectos of others. Perfect game number 21 did not happen in the World Series like Don Larsen’s did. Outfielder Dwayne Wise was not there to make a home run robbing catch like he was back in 2009. This perfecto did not occur on Mothers Day like Dallas Braden’s nor on Father’s day like Jim Bunning’s did. Still, Humber is part of an iconic club thanks in part to Robert Ellis.

            If Humber was perfection’s unknown hurler, Matt Cain’s perfect game was a hard luck pitcher finally breaking through.

Since 2006, the Giants averaged a major league low 3.91 runs per game in Cain’s starts. On those occasions when the Giants did score more than three runs, Cain was 65-9. On June 13^th, Cain did not have to worry about run support.

The Giants scored ten runs against the Houston Astros en-route to the 22^nd perfecto in MLB history. For all the statisticians out there, Cain had the most run support ever in a perfect game.

Even with uncanny help, the lasting number of Cain’s perfecto is 14. Not just because it is tied for the most strikeouts ever during a perfect game; it’s also because a Giant tied the record held by an L.A. Dodger. Surely the baseball junkies have heard of a guy named Sandy Koufax, the guy who Cain now shares a record with.

However, the perfect games pitched by Cain and Koufax couldn’t have been more different.

Koufax threw his perfecto in one of the best pitchers duels in baseball history. The opposing pitcher Bob Hendley gave up one hit, a walk, and an unearned run in that 1965 showdown. Despite Hendley’s effort, his Cubs got perfected and lost 1-0.

Cain did not have to worry about run support, for once, after the first inning. Giants outfielder Melky Cabrera hit a two run homer and the Giants bombardment continued from there.

Nobody knows when the next perfect game will happen. Yet that’s part of the majesty of baseball, for it could happen tomorrow by a journeyman like Humber or a hard luck stud like Cain. Guess baseball fans just have to wait for perfect game number 23.

Crown for the Kings

          15 Larry O’Brien Trophies, six Commissioners Trophies, and one Lombardi Trophy have all made their way to the city of angels. Now the Los Angles Kings can put their star of L.A.’s sports walk of fame.

            This night was a night of firsts for a sports town used to winning. The franchise that gave hockey the Triple Crown Line held sport’s heaviest trophy for the first time. The first number eight seed in NHL history won a title. The newly coroneted Kings put together one of the most dominant postseasons in recent memory.

The new champs of L.A. found comfort in hostility. An appropriate word for L.A.’s ten road wins in eleven games would be historic; mostly because ten road wins in a row is a new NHL record. In the playoffs, the Kings put up 35 road goals compared to 20 at the Staples Center. 
Even with the King's success away from home, their surprising dominance in the playoffs could inspire the next great sports movie. 

L.A.’s playoff run was incredible to watch. This Cinderella team steamrolled the four teams that stood in the way of their carriage. The Kings scored 12 goals against the Vancouver Canucks in five games. L.A. followed that up by netting 15 goals in their sweep of the Saint Louis Blues. Next, the Kings ousted the Phoenix Coyotes to claim the Clarence S. Campbell Bowl.
The Stanley Cup Finals provided a picturesque ending for the NHL's new royalty. The Kings faced the Devils of New Jersey and the demons of their past. Still, when the Devils went down to L.A., the Kings throttled their final foes; just like they beat their previous opponents. 

Offensively, the Kings playoff numbers dwarf their inept regular season counterparts. The same mundane offense that ranked 29^th in the league for the first 82 games put up  in just 19 games.

Defensively, the Kings carried their strong penalty killing into June. A Kings team that killed 87% of their penalties purged 93% of enemy powerplays in the playoffs.

The NHL’s newest champions won this title as a team. Sometimes, Anze Kopitar gave them a key goal like he did in game one of the Finals. Other times, Jonathan Quick dug in and gave his team a shutout; like he did against the Devils in game three.

These kings were groomed, raised, and sent into battle by a man who owns a farm in Alberta. Coach Darryl Sutter came in midseason and guided a group of fledglings to the highest summit in hockey.

            Maybe with the Cup in Hollywood, we will hear some captivating stories about the Cup and the Kardashians.  One thing is for certain, the 2012 L.A. Kings will become lore in the city of angels.