(Phone rings)
Ned Colletti,
General Manager of the Los Angeles
Ben Cherington,
General Manager of the Boston
Colletti: Oh it’s
pretty good. We are one and a half games out of the Wild Card race. We have the
second lowest Earned Run Average in the National League and have given up the
second fewest hits in the NL. The offense isn’t looking too good though…
Cherington:
What about your deals for Shane Victorino and Hanley Ramirez at the trade
deadline?
Colletti: Well
Hanley has been good for us, but we are still hitting .251 as a team. Victorino
has been awful for us. He has one homer and seven runs batted in as a Dodger.
And we are paying him nine million bucks. I can’t wait until he leaves town.
Cherington:
Sounds like you need a bat.
Colletti: What
did you have in mind?
Cherington:
Well as you know, we put Adrian Gonzalez on waivers recently…
Colletti: We’ll
take him!
Cherington:
Glad to see you are interested. Now let’s make a deal shall we?
Colletti: Okay
Howie. What do you want?
Cherington: So
you know that De La Rosa kid? How about him and two other prospects for
Gonzalez?
Colletti: Three
prospects for Gonzalez? Come on Ben you can do better than that. Gonzalez is
hitting .212 at Dodger Stadium for his career. You can give me a little more
than that.
Cherington: Okay.
Then how about we take James Loney off your hands?
Colletti: Go on…
Cherington:
Great it’s settled! We give you Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, Josh Beckett, and Nick
Punto for Loney and three prospects.
Colletti:
Sounds go…WHAT?!?!?! How did Crawford and Beckett get in there? I’m okay with
you trying to sneak Punto by me. Punto is about as exciting as vanilla ice
cream, but he is harmless as a player. Did you fall out of the stupid tree and
hit every branch on the way down?
Cherington:
Hey, you need offense. I’m offering you offense.
Colletti: Carl
Crawford’s three homers and 19 runs batted in is not offense. Not to mention
that he needs Tommy John surgery; like the rest of your team. What do you guys
get a discount for every player on your team who needs Tommy John surgery?
As for Beckett,
you have got to be off your rocker! He is 5-11 with a 5.39 ERA. Chris Capuano
has a lower ERA and more wins. Not to mention Beckett makes Simon Cowell look
like Mr. Rogers.
I have seen
some stupid offers in my day, but this is the king of them all. You are
offering us two guys who each make over 100 million bucks; meanwhile only one
of them has been remotely productive. And your starter would make our rotation
worse just by showing up.
Now if you
wanted to eat a lot of the money for this…
Cherington:
Actually that is the other thing. It would be so great if you guys ate most of
the money…
Colletti: YOU’VE
GOT TO BE SH*@!*&^ ME!! So let me get this straight. You want us to eat 249
million dollars and give you one of our best prospects?! Stick your offer where
the sun don’t shine! This is not a video game Ben. This is baseball!
Did your sports talk radio listeners call and tell
you to make me this offer? Well I’ve got news for you. Ned Colletti is no fool.
Good day to you sir!
Cherington: Ned
wait…
Colletti: I
SAID GOOD DAY SIR!!
(click)
(20 minutes later)
Colletti: Ben
your guys are willing to waive their no trade clauses right…
Cherington: Of
course!!!(*coughs) I mean, of course. What made you change your mind?
Colletti:
Ownership thinks that we need big named, low production players in order to
bring back the L.A.
They said that
the fans will be so blinded by the number of big names coming in that they will
overlook the awful seasons and contracts.
Cherington:
Sounds great. I will get the paper work started right away.
(click)
Colletti: Get
me a glass of bourbon and keep them coming. I’m going to need a lot of them to
make me forget I made this deal.
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